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HOW PARENTS CAN HELP THEMSELVES
HOW PARENTS CAN HELP THEIR CHILDREN
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The information has been drawn from the experience of the developers of the S.M.I.L.E. program and resources. Because each divorce and family situation is unique, readers are encouraged to consult other services available to divorced parents and their children. These include psychological services, legal services, parent support groups, emergency services, family court mediation services, conflict resolution and mediation agencies, and books or articles relating to divorce.
The booklet has been adapted primarily from one written by Lorraine N. Osthaus, Director of Family Counseling at the Oakland County Friend of the Court, in consultation with the S.M.I.L.E. program developers and Friend of the Court staff in the 6th Judicial Court of Michigan. Appreciation is extended to the Honorable Edward Sosnick for permission to use these materials in other Michigan counties. Material has also been included from Families First, a support program developed by Beverly Bradburn-Stern and Richard C. Marley for Superior Court of Cobb County Marietta, Georgia. The suggested reading list was prepared by Alice R. McCarthy, Ph.D., Director, Advisory Board Column, Parent Talk Page, Detroit Free Press and President of the Center for Advancement of the Family.
We hope you find the program and this information helpful in making the divorce process easier for both you and your children.
S.M.I.L.E. PROGRAM SPONSORED BY:
Judges of Family Division, Calhoun County Circuit Court
Calhoun County Friend of the Court
Michigan State University Extension - Calhoun County
Family and Children ServicesTop of Page
DIVORCE BRINGS CHANGEABOUT DIVORCE
Every family member must adapt to a new way of living. The more parents know about divorce, the better they are able to cope with the changes and help their children adjust.
DIVORCE IS PAINFUL
Children feel hurt and helpless when parents divorce. They are emotionally attached to both parents, and most children want their parents to stay together. When divorce occurs, children, as well as parents, go through a grieving process which engenders feelings of disbelief, anger, sadness, and depression. Children experience a number of losses, including the loss of important relationships with family members and friends, changes in environment, loss of traditions established by the intact family, and loss of what the children themselves were like before the breakup of the family.
Parents experience hurt and helplessness from what happened during the marriage, events that occurred at the time of the separation, and the divorce process. Divorce is an extremely difficult time, and parents tend to blame each other for problems. They sometimes do and say terrible things to each other and are unaware of the negative impact their behavior has on children.
Legal aspects of divorce are easier to deal with than the emotional upheaval of divorce and the feelings that arise from the death of a relationship. Anger, disappointment, hurt, grief and a desire for revenge are some normal reactions. Emotional turmoil can interfere with the mom and dad roles even though the husband and wife roles have ended.
HOW CHILDREN COME THROUGH THE DIVORCE
How children come through the divorce is due in large measure to the parents' relationship after the divorce and parents' relationships with their children. Parents' attitudes and actions make a big difference in how children adjust to the divorce. Parents may not be able to be friends after the divorce. However, the unfinished business of raising their children can be productive if the parents are civil and business-like in their dealings with each other and promote positive relationships with their children.
When parents separate or divorce, it may take months or years for feelings to change. While the grief process in adjusting to the death of a relationship can be different for each person, most people gradually pass through several stages. The stages may occur in any order, and some people may deal with the issues more than once. Children also experience the grief process when parents separate or divorce.
DENIAL
In the beginning, parents may find it hard to believe that the relationship is over. Denial protects against shock. It insulates from fear about the loss of the relationship and the feelings of rejection, loneliness and depression. Some people react by becoming withdrawn and isolated. Others become highly active to block out the pain.
Denial of the divorce is the child's attempt at trying to control a situation in which they have no control. They will deny the divorce to themselves, with their parents, at school, with friends, etc. Denial serves to defend against intolerable pain until it can be tolerated bit by bit. They will tell themselves, "This can't be happening." They will tell others, "My Dad just got a new job and we will be joining him later," or "They've had this fight before and gotten back together."
BARGAINING
Thoughts surface about ways that the relationship may be saved. A parent may ask the other parent to become involved in counseling, to stop engaging in some behavior or to participate in activities together. Some people may make a deal with themselves to do something they believe will save the marriage or help them overcome the loss of the relationship.
Bargaining by children is an attempt to keep parents from divorcing. Children will bargain with themselves, their parents, their teachers, friends and even God. Children may offer to be "better children." They will offer to keep their rooms cleaner, do their homework, and not to fight with their brothers and sisters.
ANGER
The realization hits that needs have not been met in the relationship. Anger surfaces. Any may be directed toward self or others.
Anger is understandable. Parents have broken an unwritten rule. They were supposed to provide stability of family life to enable children to move through their developmental tasks. Children are angry about the pain. They are angry about the failure of their parents to find another solution. They are angry about the changed financial status with which they must cope. They may be angry with themselves thinking they have caused the divorce. Their anger puts them in a double-bind. They recognize their parents as particularly vulnerable right now.
They are afraid their anger might push away what relationship they do have with a parent no longer living at home. Anger may come out with siblings, peers, or in self destructive behavior.
DEPRESSION
Admitting that the relationship is over brings sadness. Fear about being alone surfaces. These feelings are draining and make it difficult to think about the future.
When children realize the divorce is going to happen, no matter what they do, depression occurs. Depression is a normal reaction and may be exhibited through withdrawal, drop in school grades, apathy, eating too much or too little, crying easily, carelessness about appearance, etc. Depression may last for weeks or months. Prolonged depression with no periods of lighter moods is a sign parents might want to seek professional help. Often prolonged depression means a child is feeling overly responsible for the divorce.
ACCEPTANCE
In time, adjustments to the changes results in feeling better. Anger, grief and guilt dissolve, and focus on the future becomes possible. Life is more stable and hope emerges.
The child's acceptance of the divorce will be demonstrated through a renewed focus on the present and the future. The child will begin to anticipate the future and not dwell on the divorce factors. Problems will be seen as separate from the divorce, rather than caused by the divorce.
Parents face a number of problems when they divorce. Divorce brings them into new situations for which they may not have solutions. Some problems and how to handle them include . . .
BEING ON ONE'S OWN
After years of marriage and togetherness, loneliness may set in. Activities that brought enjoyment may no longer be interesting. Parents may feel isolated. It helps to establish new patterns that make one feel OK.
WHAT CAN PARENTS DO?
Visit friends and family often, talk to them on the phone, do things with them.HAVING LESS TIME FOR THE CHILDRENGet involved in a support group to talk about the problems and solutions or go to counseling.
Expect that there will be times when nothing seems to be going right, but remember that things usually get better.
Develop new interests or hobbies - take classes, do volunteer work, join organizations, exercise.
During separation and divorce, parents are trying to cope with changed and increased responsibilities and being on their own. This is also a time when the children need more affection and attention. There is too little of the parents to go around.
WHAT CAN PARENTS DO?
Ask family and friends for assistance.Top of PageBe sure that each child has special attention and time.
Find an activity that both parent and child enjoy.
Leave or send notes of love and appreciation to the children.
Ask friends and neighbors to help with child care or exchange child care with them.
Go for counseling or join a support group.
Use lists to organize activities
TAKING CARE OF THE HOME
Whether the children live with a parent most of the time or a smaller part of the time, being a single parent is a challenge. The demands of the job and meeting the needs of the children are a burden for one adult. Home chores may seem like the last straw.
WHAT CAN PARENTS DO?
Let some things go or change regular routines to adjust to the demands.HANDLING MONEY PROBLEMSDivide the chores and let the children be responsible for taking care of possessions and their own rooms.
Look into the possibility of using a cleaning service for a half day to handle some of the chores.
Allow the children to contribute to family problem solving.
After the divorce, two separate homes must be maintained. Where previously there may have been two incomes, now there is one. It is hard to make ends meet.
WHAT CAN PARENTS DO?
Look for free or inexpensive activities and entertainment.BALANCING PERSONAL TIME AND CHILDREN'S NEEDSMake a budget and stick to it.
Get financial counseling if necessary.
Before starting a second family, remember obligations to the first family.
Find out about assistance programs - food stamps, Medicaid.
At some point, parents may want to begin to socialize and meet new people. It makes life more enjoyable and makes it easier to handle problems. Children may feel left out, confused, or angry.
WHAT CAN PARENTS DO?
Let the children know that they are loved and that parents as well as children need time to do things they enjoy.Do not expose children to casual relationships with members of the opposite sex. If a serious relationship
develops, introduce the person slowly into the children's lives.Include the children once in a while to a social activity that everyone can enjoy.
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Last Updated 3-15-99
Send your comments, questions and suggestions to Phil Harter at 161
E Michigan Avenue, Battle Creek, Michigan 49015
or e mail to pharter@calhouncountymi.gov