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Divorce is painful for children.  The effects of divorce may vary with children's ages and depend on the circumstances surrounding the divorce.  While every child is different and may react in different ways to divorce, there are some common reactions by age group that parents may see.

YOUNG CHILDREN

Preschool children  live in a small world mostly made up of  parents and family.  They have not had many experiences.  They react to what is happening in an emotional way and intellectual level.  Divorce is confusing and preschool children may be afraid that they will be abandoned or have nowhere to live.  They cry, cling, or become demanding.  They may blame themselves for the divorce and feel guilty.

ELEMENTARY AGE CHILDREN

Children of ages 5-12  are expanding their world to include peers and school rather than  just family.  They react to what is happening by thinking about it and questioning.  They worry about many things and believe in living by rules and that life is fair.  Children in this age group deeply feel the loss of a family when divorce happens.  Loyalty conflicts are common.  Children may respond by feeling abandoned and insecure.  Because of the loss of one parent, they fear that something will happen to the parent with whom they live most of the time.  Problems at school and with friends may surface.  Younger children in this age group often feel very sad at the breakup of the family while the older children may have very deep anger.

YOUNG  TEENAGERS

Young teenagers are in a stage where they are going through rapid physical, social and emotional growth.  Often they are confused, moody and feel insecure.  At times they may act like a little child by clinging or being demanding to parents.  Other times they reject parents and attach to friends.  When parents divorce, early adolescents have more stress which may result in their feeling rejected and ashamed or angry at their parents to camouflage their sense of vulnerability.  Problems with sleeping, health, school or friends may arise.  When parents vie for their allegiance, loyalty conflicts results in guilt, depression and despair.

OLDER TEENAGERS

This stage may be stormiest for the parent and child relationship.  Older teenagers are trying on different roles and in the process of establishing their identities.  Divorce may make teenagers feel hurried to achieve independence when they aren't ready, and they become overwhelmed by unresolvable problems and feelings of incompetence.  Teenagers may test their parents' concern for them.  This age group may become preoccupied with the survival of  relationships and mourn the loss of the family of their childhood. They feel embarrassed and resentful toward parents who are perceived as giving their own needs priority.

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The following  represents common reactions of children to divorce in broad terms.  Some reactions may overlap age groups.  Research is just beginning about the long range effects of divorce.

 BABIES AND TODDLERS

Trouble sleeping
Afraid to leave parent; clinging
Crankiness
Crying
Slow down in learning new skills

Blame selves for divorce and feel guilty
Confusion
Fear of abandonment
Aggression, temper tantrums
Return to security items
Lapses in toilet training
Try to convince selves all is OK
Emotionally needy

Sadness
Crying and sobbing
Feel abandoned and rejected
Loyalty conflicts
Sense of helplessness
Hope parents reconcile
Anger

Deep anger
Physical complaints
Sense of loss
Shame
Resentment
Fear of loneliness
Divided loyalties - anger toward the parent they blame for the divorce

Feelings of betrayal  Money worries
Anger
Embarrassment
Resentment
Hard to concentrate
Chronic fatigue
May feel hurried to achieve independence
May be overly dependent
May test parents' concern for them
May align with one parent
Worry about survival of relationships and own future marriage

Divorce often results in children feeling overwhelmed by the losses and changes they are experiencing.  It takes time to adjust, and the time needed varies from child to child.  Parents can help their children cope with divorce.

CHILDREN NEED PREDICTABILITY

Children who can maintain regular routines are less likely to be overwhelmed by the changes divorce brings.  Parents should do their best to build and maintain healthy and smooth environments.

Children need frequent and regular contact with both parents.

Parents should be on time for the exchange of children for  time sharing.  This sets a good example for children and does not disrupt children's routines.

Children need continued contact with friends and relatives of both parents.

Children need personal space to call their own, even if it is just a corner.

Parents should exercise caution when introducing new boyfriends or girlfriends to children.  Children often feel confused about their sense of loyalty, and parents' casual relationship may contribute to children's sense of insecurity and instability.

A parent needs to stress the good points about the other parents and avoid name calling, saying bad things, or blaming the other parent for problems.

A parent should keep family photos available, including photos of the other parent.

If children complain about one parent, the other parent should encourage children to take the complaint to the person responsible rather than agree with the children.  A parent has no control over the other parent.

A parent should encourage the other parent's involvement in the children's school or other activities and advise of parent/teacher conferences, provide report cards and give other information pertaining to the welfare of the children.

A parent should assist children to buy cards and gifts for the other parent.

Parents should telephone, write, make tapes and send cards if they are not able to see their children regularly.

Parents should talk directly to each other about child-related information parents need to discuss.  If talking is not possible, communicate in writing.  Children should not be used as messengers.

A parent should not ask children what goes on in the other parent's home.  This is a violation of the children's trust.

Parents should not argue in front of the children.  Parents should manage their feelings, and if they cannot, they should end the conversation until they are able to do so.

Parents should never expect or encourage their children to take sides.

If children tell a parent that the other parent lets them stay up late or lets them eat sweets for dinner, a parent should tell children that they must follow the rules of the household and that the other parent cannot be told what to do in his/her home.

A parent should not withhold the children from the other parent or refuse to pay child support.  Children should not be used as weapons to get back at the other parent.

CHILDREN NEED PARENTS AS ADULT ROLE MODELS

Parents should use common courtesy and be civil and business-like in their dealings with each other.

Parents should not jump to conclusions before getting all the information.

Parents should follow up agreements, in writing, about vacation dates, trips to the doctor or dentist, and changes in time sharing to avoid confusion and double scheduling.

Parents should negotiate with one another about changes in time sharing or responsibilities for the children that each parent will assume.  Negotiation requires giving and taking by both parents.

Parents should recognize that as children grow and develop, time sharing and parents'responsibilities may have to change to meet the changing needs of the children.

Parents should not allow their past conflicts to interfere with present decisions regarding children.

Parents should not make negative comments about their children, comparing them to the other parent.

A parent should not expect children to take the place of the absent parent or depend on the children for emotional support.  Children need to be children.

Children need to know, sometimes  over and over, how they will be affected by the divorce, where they will go to school, where they will live, when they will see the other parent, friends and relatives, and who will take care of them should something happen to the parent with whom they live most of the time.

Children need reassurance that they are not to blame for the divorce.

Parents should tell children about the divorce together if possible.

Parents should answer children's questions honestly while avoiding unnecessary details.

Parents should discuss divorce-related issues in terms the children can understand.  It is helpful to avoid terms such as "custody" and "visitation."

Parents should encourage children to talk about the divorce and their feelings and discuss problems openly.  Parents should be an emotional support for their children but should not rely on children to be their emotional support.

Parents need to accept children's mood swings and emotional out-bursts and not take them personally.  Counseling or support groups may help children resolve their feelings.

Children should be helped to accept the reality of the divorce and not be given false hope for reunion.

Parents should approach single parenting with a positive attitude and speak encouragingly about the future.  Children need to know that a parent is strong and going to take care of them.

Parents should express their love and commitment to the children to help them feel secure.

Children's adjustment to divorce depends on how parents handle the divorce.  Parents are role models for children and need to set a good example for them.  Children imitate the behaviors and attitudes of their parents.

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Though divorce has ended a marriage, parenting remains.  Children will begin to adjust and heal more readily after the trauma of divorce if cooperative parenting is established.

After divorce, one parent usually is responsible for the primary care and maintenance of the children.  The other parent has parenting time with the children, time which is either defined by an order of the court or is agreed upon by both parents.

At first, time sharing for child raising may seem to complicate an already stressful situation.  Divorced parents may find that their roles and expectations are undefined and cloudy.  It takes time, effort, and planning on the part of the parents to be able to provide a safe environment that helps children recover from the divorce and feel good about themselves.  Following are some guidelines and suggestions to facilitate parenting and time sharing.

BEING  CONSISTENT

   It is crucial that parents are regular and consistent about time sharing.  Children need to know that they will be made
available for time sharing and picked up and returned at scheduled times.  If an emergency arises that requires a change in    time sharing or if parenting time will not be exercised, each  parent has the responsibility of notifying the other parent as far in advance as possible.

The children should be supplied with adequate clothing for the parenting time, and the clothing is to be returned at the end of the parenting time.  If the children are on medication, the medication, the dosage, and the times the medication is to be taken should be made available to the parent.  Any information which pertains to the welfare of the children should be shared by parents.

GOING BETWEEN HOUSEHOLDS

Children may complain, become withdrawn, or act out when it is time to go between the parents' homes.  A parent may believe  that something negative is happening in the other parent's home because of the children's behavior.  This behavior is usually    normal and not necessarily an indication that anything is wrong.    Children may be involved in an activity that they don't want to  interrupt.  Children miss the parent they are not with and go through an adjustment when getting ready to leave.

REBUILDING TRUST

It is essential that divorced parents make efforts to rebuild trust between themselves.  Having a degree of trust helps reduce  conflicts.  One way to rebuild trust is to honor agreements made between parents.  Broken agreements result in anger,     disappointment, resentment, and retaliation.  Parents should tell each other the truth.

If plans need to be changed or something of concern happens during the time the children are with a parent, the situation should be discussed calmly with the other parent.  A parent should check out children's stories with the other parent and recognize that children are not always accurate in their portrayal of the events.

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SHARING AND PARTICIPATING IN ACTIVITIES

Because of the newness of the divorce and the changes in roles, it is helpful to outline a list of specific activities for the parenting  time.  Choose activities that are appropriate to children's ages and interests.  Reading books together, picnics, walks, biking, cooking, games, and trips to parks, the zoo, museums, and the library are some activities.

Parents may have skills to pass along to their children.  Working on the car, computer, or sewing machine assists children to grow in skills and independence and share in an activity that the parent enjoys.  A parent's role does not necessarily begin and end with scheduled parenting time.  The parent also may participate in parent/teacher conferences, attend school functions, help children with homework, or assist in taking the children to medical appointments and their social or sports activities.  Participating and sharing in activities allows parents to remain involved with their children.  However, both parents need to establish "normal" routines with chores, bedtimes, rules and standards for behavior, and regular meals to help children feel secure and stable.

SOLVING PROBLEMS

Parents need to communicate about parenting.  When problems arise,  the first impulse may be to blame the other parent.  Anger and blaming are barriers that interfere with communication.   Communication requires special skills and compromise.  When  there is a problem, parents need a plan.

First, Ask Yourself:

Is this a child-related problem?

Bringing up problems that have to do with marriage or divorce issues of the parents is not part of the business of parenting.

Divorced parents may have to limit discussions to these three topics.

Can the problem wait or does it need to be discussed as soon as possible?

Make a list of the issues to be discussed and your proposals.  Let it sit for a few days to see if you have any changes or need more information before arranging a meeting.

Arrange a time and place that is convenient for both parents.

Limit discussion time to 30 minutes.  When discussion time goes longer, emotions may get out of hand.

Only cover a few issues in one session.  Start with the easy problems and move on to the more difficult.

Be specific about what you mean.  Set ground rules that there will be no personal attacks or name calling.

If you disagree, look for ways that each parent can give a little.

Write down any agreements you make and make sure that each of you has a copy.

Once a decision is made, put it away and don't try to re-think it.

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Last Updated 3-16-99

Send your comments, questions and suggestions to Phil Harter at 161 E Michigan Avenue, Battle Creek, Michigan 49015
or e mail to pharter@calhouncountymi.gov